Grief, Faith, and Money: Healthy Healing for Parents | E59
Grief can reshape your parenting, relationships, and decision-making. In Episode 59 of the Beyond Budgets® podcast, host & Catholic financial planner Deb Meyer talks with hospice nurse and grief coach Nichole Haugen about what healthy grieving looks like for parents, how surrender can support healing, and why it’s wise to pause major financial decisions during seasons of profound loss.
This episode is for parents navigating any kind of grief: the death of a loved one, sudden loss, divorce, addiction in the family, or the grief that comes from life not turning out the way you expected.
Episode Highlights
(03:49) What “healthy grieving” looks like (and what it can look like when you’re stuck)
(07:14) A simple first step when you know you’re not coping well
(16:54) How to parent through grief while still caring for your nervous system
(27:38) Why big financial moves can backfire during intense grief
(29:07) How faith, surrender, and trust can help you release what you can’t control
This conversation offers both practical grounding and genuine hope if you’re trying to keep life moving for your kids while you’re hurting inside.
✨ Don’t forget to leave a rating or review if this episode helped you!
And please note our schedule change for March 2026: only one episode will be published on Thursday, 3/19/26, for Podcasthon. The following solo episode will air Thursday, 4/2/26.
Connect with Catholic Grief Coach Nichole Haugen
Website | Listen to her Podcast on Apple | Follow on Instagram
Connect with Host, CFP® & Catholic Financial Planner Deb Meyer
Founder of WorthyNest®, helping faith-driven parents build financial plans that reflect their values.
Download your FREE guide | Follow us on YouTube | Take the Financial Wellness Quiz
FAQ for Grieving Parents
1. What is healthy grieving for parents?
Healthy grieving means allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger, anxiety, or even numbness without masking those emotions through unhealthy coping habits. For parents, it also means modeling emotional honesty for your children while taking care of your own mental and physical health. Healthy grief does not mean “moving on quickly.” Rather, it means moving forward without getting stuck.
2. How does grief affect financial decision-making?
Grief impacts judgment, emotional regulation, and risk tolerance. When someone is grieving, they are more likely to make impulsive or emotionally driven financial decisions. Examples include selling a house, quitting a job, relocating, or making large purchases. Experts recommend avoiding major financial changes for several months to a year after a significant loss whenever possible.
3. How can parents help children cope with grief?
Children process grief differently depending on their age and personality. Parents can help by:
Creating space for open conversation
Validating emotions without rushing to fix them
Maintaining consistent routines
Offering physical comfort and reassurance
Providing creative outlets like journaling, sports, or art
Often, children express grief through behavior rather than words. Curiosity and patience are key.
4. Is it normal for spouses to grieve differently?
Yes. It is completely normal for spouses to grieve in different ways and on different timelines. One partner may want to talk often, while the other may withdraw or focus on tasks. Conflict often arises not because one person is grieving “wrong,” but because expectations differ. Communication and patience are essential.
5. How long does grief last?
There is no fixed timeline for grief. While the intensity typically softens over time, grief does not follow a straight path. Anniversaries, holidays, or life milestones can resurface emotions even years later. Healing is not about forgetting; it is about integrating the loss into your life in a sustainable way.
Full transcript
Deb Meyer (00:02.018)
Hey there, before we get started, I just want to make a quick announcement for the podcast format for March. Normally, we publish episodes every other Thursday. This episode is getting published on February 26th, but we're going to be switching things up a little bit for the month of March, mostly because we’re participating in Podcasthon.
There are several podcasters across the US and even internationally who are doing this. We're all posting our episodes a particular week in March. So we're going to be changing the format a little, where we have one less episode in the month of March. We're going to be shifting that next episode to Thursday, March 19th. And then we'll pick up with the normal format again, where you'll have the next episode on Thursday, April 2nd.
So I hope this clears up any confusion and again, sorry that we had to make this small change. And we'll also be doing two interviews, the interview today and then an interview on Thursday, the 19th of March. Then we'll go back to the solo episode on Thursday, April 2nd. Okay, thanks in advance for understanding.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That's one of my favorite quotes. It's from Lord Tennyson's 1850 poem, In Memoriam A. H. H. And normally on the Beyond Budgets podcast, we discuss family finance. Today though, is a bit different. If you really open yourself to love in any way, you'll inevitably find yourself feeling really grief when that person or persons you love passes away or maybe you have a loss of a relationship.
Whatever it is … where you experience deep, profound loss, this episode is for you. It's hopefully a good chance to address that grief and come at it from a healthier place. And this applies to you, whether you experienced something five years ago, five months ago, or five days ago.
Whatever the season that you're in, I do think you can benefit from listening to today's guest. We have Nicole Hagen. I experienced loss when my mom Jan passed away in late 2022, and Nicole experienced it with both of her parents passing away in 2019. Just to give a little bit of background, Nicole is a grief coach, and she's a long time registered hospice nurse.
Grief, though, can come in many shapes and forms. Again, it doesn't have to be the loss of a loved one. It could be the loss of a relationship … maybe a broken marriage or maybe an addiction that one of your loved ones has, whatever it is that you're really grieving and trying to work through.
And my encouragement, just to sprinkle in that finance message, is don't make any big life changes when you're in a state of profound grief. It's not a great coping mechanism, especially for financial changes like buying or selling a house. Try to give some time and space to process through that grief if the loss occurred recently. Okay, Nicole, thank you so much for being on the Beyond Budgets podcast!
Nichole Haugen (02:17.176)
Thank you for having me.
Deb Meyer (02:18.53)
Yeah, there are a lot of questions I want to ask and I'm not quite sure where to start, but I guess I'll go with this one. What does healthy grieving look like?
Nichole Haugen (02:31.95)
That's a good one. So healthy grieving looks like anything where you don't feel like you're stuck or caught in something. A lot of people I see or that I work with, they are like, gosh, I kept turning to food and it, or I kept turning to a drink at night and to the outside world.
You might not be an alcoholic, right? You might not qualify under that category, but when you start to feel yourself going that opposite direction of like, gosh, I just, this isn't me. This isn't what I used to do. That is when we start to know, okay, that's unhealthy. Healthy can look like really allowing all the feelings that come that feel horrible and not turning to those
kind of comfort, quick fix things.
Deb Meyer (03:32.164)
Yeah, I know in my grief journey, I went a little overboard turning to the gym. I was the opposite where I'm like, I'm just not like, cause my mom had passed away from, from cardiac arrest and she had lots of heart issues the last five years of her life. So for me, I was like, okay, what do doctors tell you? You should work out. You should be heart healthy, right? Like you should have the energy.
So I literally showed up at the gym every day for like, I think it was at least like eight months straight of just every day going, even if I didn't feel like it, whatever. Now some might call that an unhealthy addiction because it's like, I didn't miss a workout, but like for me, that was a way of coping and trying to get some normalcy when my body just felt completely.
not normal, right? Like when my all of my emotions and thoughts were scattered all over the place.
Nichole Haugen (04:35.8)
Yeah. Yeah. And I was kind of the same way. I, I realized like, like life is really short. Like I, I want to change. I also, I went to the gym, but yes, I think it's a fine, it's finding the balance, right? Of like doing something that yes, technically is good, but we can overdo everything. And then it kind of falls into that like obsessive kind of.
Deb Meyer (04:42.114)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (04:48.612)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (04:54.126)
Sure.
Deb Meyer (05:01.226)
Yeah, well, and eventually I realized I was like, I probably can skip a day here and there. It's okay. And I do, I skip plenty of days now. But yeah, it's, I think for me, because I also knew like alcoholism ran in my family that I was like, hey, I don't want to turn to having a drink every night after work and
Nichole Haugen (05:06.024)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (05:28.324)
when I'm trying to be present to the family too. I mean, that's the thing with beyond budgets listeners, we're all parents. So we're trying to figure out healthy ways to cope with that loss, not only for ourselves, but also to be good role models for our kids who are probably grieving the loss of that same loved one or that relationship.
All right, so let's talk a little bit about those people who aren't in a healthy mental space. Like what is a really good first step to take in this grieving process if you're just, you know things are not going on a good trajectory and dealing with the grief.
Nichole Haugen (06:08.45)
Yeah, I would say like to reach out to somebody because and and knowing with that comes a lot of unsolicited advice. If you. If you reach out to a friend and you're like, hey, struggling, they might say. They might change the subject, right, because they're uncomfortable. So then to know that and just be like, OK, that person's maybe not the person.
Deb Meyer (06:23.321)
Hmm.
Nichole Haugen (06:36.876)
that I can have a deep conversation with. But just to keep like opening that door and having conversations with maybe different family members or going online, finding a grief coach, finding a counselor, just to talk about it. Because I think so often our natural inclination is to just kind of stuff it away and be like, well, so and so lost their parent too and they seem to be doing fine. And I don't feel like I'm doing fine.
Deb Meyer (07:04.526)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (07:06.614)
And then we start to compare. And so we just kind of like start to hide away. And really we want to bring it to the light and we want to just talk about it. So I always see like start there.
Deb Meyer (07:17.026)
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I like that point that you brought up, like confiding in a friend or another family member that is going through that loss as well, or maybe they experienced a loss of their own and perhaps found healing from it. So I found myself reaching out to other friends that I knew had lost a parent at a younger age. And it was, it was comforting to at least...
Although it's funny because in both situations I reached out to male friends. I have one that he had lost his dad when he was in his 20s and you know he's like well I can tell you what's not a good way to deal with it. And then I got the same from another friend here in the neighborhood that had lost a parent as well. So it was just one of those like I'm like okay does anyone feel like they're handling this well?
But in your case, you are a grief coach. So I guess if you don't have friends that really feel like they've processed the grief in a healthy way, maybe reaching out to an outside party like yourself or a grief counselor, just understanding that there are other resources out there. And yes, you may have to pay them, but at least they will be good resources that you can talk through your emotions, right?
Nichole Haugen (08:42.338)
Yeah, exactly. Because I think like our friends and other people, mean well. But it's also like you're kind of, yeah, with the people you reached out to, they're kind of pulling in their experience and they're, you know, or somebody who's never gone through that experience just kind of says like the cliche things, you know, which they think are very helpful, but they don't feel really helpful when you're going through it. And so yeah, just really reaching out to like somebody who does have that experience and isn't going to put their input on it.
Deb Meyer (08:46.638)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (08:59.428)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (09:12.279)
can be very, very helpful.
Deb Meyer (09:14.188)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I mean, every loss comes at a different pace. Like with my mom, I knew she was sick for several years. That's part of the reason we moved to Southwest Florida was to be close to her and physically like enjoy every moment we had. So when things really started taking a downhill spiral, it kind of surprised me how quickly things went. But it was like I kind of had an awareness that this was likely going to happen. Whereas
Some other people experience loss where it's just sudden and no warning signs. And that grief process can look very different. guess in retrospect, I reached out to two guys who had experienced that kind of sudden loss unexpectedly. So that can be a big difference too of like based on other people's experiences, they might be able to step into that empathetic role.
Nichole Haugen (10:00.59)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (10:11.394)
better than others depending on what type of loss they've experienced.
Nichole Haugen (10:17.74)
Yeah, yeah. both of them are hard, And I, unfortunately, fortunately had the experience of both sides of it. My dad had cancer, so it was a long process. My mom died in a winter storm. It was very sudden, very tragic. And so both of them are similar as they both have a lot of pain with them. There's still a lot of the same emotions, feelings, thoughts that come up. But yes, I would say that they are very
different in how you kind of can move forward with it. Yeah.
Deb Meyer (10:50.82)
Mm-hmm. Okay. So how did you move forward? Because obviously you experienced very tragic losses and like you said, having one kind of, you knew it was likely coming, the other totally unexpected. How did you emerge from all that pain?
Nichole Haugen (11:13.42)
Yeah, so with my dad, it was, so he died in, so I had a lot of life experiences happen within like a year. So we had our sixth daughter in June, middle of June, my dad died at the end of July. And then my mom died early December. So with my dad, it was,
Since it was more expected, we had the last three months where he was on hospice. We knew, like, okay, like this is progressing. Those I could handle a little bit better because it came in waves that weren't quite as intense, I would say. It was like every day, it was on my mind, you know, and then I felt...
Deb Meyer (11:54.532)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (11:58.752)
a lot of guilt because he was in a lot of pain and here I am a hospice nurse and I couldn't even help with that. So that kind of stuff would come in waves afterwards and I was still working as a hospice nurse. So that was hard. And it was just kind of letting it come as it came. And then with my mom, was so unexpected. It was so fast. And then too, there was the tragedy around
Deb Meyer (12:11.267)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (12:17.721)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (12:29.058)
So she missed her turn. It was in a winter storm. She missed her turn into a driveway and her vehicle submerged into water. And so like, we didn't know she was missing until the next day. And then the rescue crews came out and we couldn't, like, they didn't know where she had gone. Yeah. So then they kind of, you know, then by the grace of God, there was a turn in the wind and we could see her tire tracks very clearly. So they knew where to look at least. And then, they found her car within a few days of searching. And at this time,
Deb Meyer (12:43.374)
where to even look, yeah.
Nichole Haugen (12:57.73)
I live in North Dakota, so was like negative 50. So, you know, like their equipment was like freezing out, but it was just a process. And then they've got her vehicle out and then her body wasn't in the car. So then it was to find her body again. So it was just like, it was really that intense, just tragic, just like you think, okay, they found the car. Then it's like, no, we're still not done with this. Like, so it was just like, it just was so intense. And it was just like, I was numb.
Deb Meyer (13:03.844)
Sure.
Nichole Haugen (13:27.182)
for so long, which I didn't realize until after the fact. And I think that's part of it too, is when it's so shocking and it's just, you kind of slip into a numb stage because your body goes into a stress response, like protective response where it's like, how do we handle this? Well, we just kind of like numb out, do what needs to be done. I had little, little kids at the time. I had six little kids. So it was just day to day, do the things.
Deb Meyer (13:43.17)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (13:56.622)
So I would say that's it.
Deb Meyer (13:57.794)
And then COVID. I'm like, I'm crying for you thinking about just like everything you went through in such a short, my gosh.
Nichole Haugen (14:06.126)
Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then I found out about financial infidelity with my husband like a month after my mom, then COVID. So it was just, it was over the wind, right? But through that, I was just like, like, people don't know how to talk about this. People don't know how to support each other. And even my brother and sister who were going through the same thing, they both lost their parents. They were in such a different phase that I was.
My sister had no kids. My brother had three kids at the time. They didn't have marriage struggles going on. They weren't working at a place where people were dying in front of you every day. So it was just such different, unique circumstances. So even amongst the people that were in my group, my support group, it was just so very different. And I was like, oh, I don't...
Deb Meyer (14:36.953)
Yes.
Nichole Haugen (15:05.07)
I don't even know how to talk about this with them. So that's when I started to kind of dive in and I found coaching and I was like, Oh, like this helps. This helps to figure out like why my brain is responding this way. Like it just helps to look at the facts. Like of course your brain is freaking out at the next winter storm. Of course you're feeling anxiety and then to kind of be like, okay, well what are the facts too? I'm safe in my house. Like
you know, we can't, the reality is we can't control if somebody else is going to get in an act like I can't. And, and I, it was kind of weird in a way, but it kind of brought me comfort. I don't know if comfort is right word, but knowing that, okay, my mom died Sunday night. We didn't even know about it till the next morning. So in that snippet of time, my world was normal, but it's once my, the once I knew and I had thoughts about it.
Deb Meyer (16:02.691)
be human-aware.
Nichole Haugen (16:05.122)
Then my world shifted. So that was really what helped me was to be like, like our brains are so powerful. The thoughts that we have are so powerful. And we can't jump from being like in a panic state of like, my gosh, like it's snowing. Somebody else is going to go in the ditch. Somebody else can be stuck. They're going to die. Like we can't go from that to be like, but it's fine. And I think that's what the world tells us. We should just be like, but it's fine. You're fine.
Deb Meyer (16:13.198)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (16:31.82)
Yeah, go from from terror to peace, calm.
Nichole Haugen (16:35.724)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it's that in between is that bridge that that's what it's like, that's what I figured out.
Deb Meyer (16:41.08)
Yeah.
And that's the work, right? Like that's part of the healing process, right? Figuring out how to move from panic, anxiety to, okay, let's focus on what's in my control and try to not think about the stuff that's outside of that, right?
Nichole Haugen (16:48.876)
Yeah. Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (17:04.214)
Yeah. And I think too, lot of it was as a parent, I don't want say you lose yourself, but you just, focused on these little humans that are in your care. And you kind of forget the things that, how to support yourself and how to show up for yourself. And we find ways to like put everybody else first or we can. And so it's finding you again, like, but no, like I...
Deb Meyer (17:21.304)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (17:28.505)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (17:33.13)
need to put the oxygen mask on first so I can take care of my family. So it was really like figuring that out.
Deb Meyer (17:41.066)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know with those early days for me and my mom, like, I think the first four days after she left, just, I'm a very normally a very like, get out of bed, joyful mornings, whatever. And I was like, just laying in bed. I couldn't do anything for my family.
Thank goodness it happened over the holidays while my husband was off work and could like be more present to the kids, but I was just not a good mom. Like I really was very like, I got to just shut down and, be alone and process. and again, like, as you said, putting the oxygen mask on yourself, it is really hard to show up to your family when you're in this.
you know, really not great mental state around the law. So healing yourself is very important.
Nichole Haugen (18:43.01)
Yeah, and I think with that too where you're like, I wasn't being a good mom at the end. it's like, and that's what we tell ourselves. But really, it's like, you were, yeah, right? Right.
Deb Meyer (18:50.157)
What?
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't physically present helping them with or playing board games or doing things we would normally do over the holidays, right? Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (18:59.87)
Yeah, right. Right. so you're like, and so our brain is like, well, you're being that you're not being a good right? Like, it just like jumps in and it says those things. And it's like, but you were being a good mom, because you were taking care of yourself. And how much better that you took those four days to do that, then to let it go, you know, and progress. And it's just it's so sneaky, right? Like you said that without even thinking about it.
Deb Meyer (19:10.52)
Okay.
Deb Meyer (19:20.932)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (19:25.636)
Well, I'm like, I'm a much better mom now.
Nichole Haugen (19:31.502)
See ya.
Deb Meyer (19:33.94)
That's funny. Thank you for turning that around and helping me understand that even I'm getting a little coaching all these years later. So let's shift about the kids. So let's say a kid, like in your case, lost both grandparents within a very short timeframe. How do you help?
Nichole Haugen (19:35.374)
Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (19:43.278)
Thank
Deb Meyer (19:58.968)
the kids go through a healthy reading process. I do you think it's worth them reaching out to someone independently or just kind of chatting with you through their feelings? What's a good resource?
Nichole Haugen (20:11.554)
Yeah, I would say it kind of depends on the kid and their ages, right? But I always tell people it really starts with you and yourself because if you're able to like see like, my gosh, today I just feel really anxious and agitated and I don't really know why, but I just I feel this and like I'm going to like do this stuff. This are the things that need to get done and the rest of it is OK to let go and we can like talk to our kids.
through that and say, hey, like, I'm just feeling really unsettled today. Can you guys help me? And kids want to help. They want support and love their parents. And so I think it's just doing that. My kids, a couple of them don't remember their grandparents. The older ones do, and they'll talk about memories. So anytime they share anything, you know, we just kind of stop and they'll share memories. And it's a couple of them are very
They don't want to talk about feelings. They don't want to do anything, but every once in it kind of bubbles up and it explodes, right? So then we have to like, then we talk through how they're feeling, why, you know, like, and a lot of times it's like, what they started over here really is because something else happened underneath. And same with us. That's what we do too. And so knowing that, and then there's a couple of my kids that are more...
Deb Meyer (21:14.724)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (21:19.652)
Mmm.
Deb Meyer (21:30.532)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (21:39.224)
They want hugs, they want to talk about their feelings a lot, they want to vocalize it. And so knowing with those ones, like that one is talk about it just to be a listening ear and not jump in and like, correct or just really be curious. Like, why do you think that? can you share more? And then the ones that are more quieter about it. There's been times where I'll be like, hey, why don't you go write in your journal or go there's.
Deb Meyer (21:44.548)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (21:51.62)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (22:07.278)
You know, whatever they like to do, if they like video games or have a few that like to craft, I have one that really likes to read, like, one that are more active in sports, like, be like, why don't you go shoot around on the basketball hoop for like 10 minutes, and then we can, if you want to talk, we can talk afterwards. So I really, just us kind of like guiding them through those feelings that come up.
Deb Meyer (22:13.848)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (22:23.267)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (22:29.696)
Okay, okay. Finding something specific to that child that they can have some kind of emotional release and or at least just enjoyable activity to them that might help them open up more. Okay, okay. So you hinted at this and I definitely experienced it as well like no two people grieve the same way. So with with your siblings I had my sister and my dad like we
Nichole Haugen (22:41.422)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (22:57.864)
I don't know. We grieved very differently. Do you have suggestions for improving those relationships, you know, for family members who were impacted by the same loss but are experiencing grief in different ways?
Nichole Haugen (23:13.72)
Yeah, I think it's important to just to not kind of force what you're doing as being right and what they're doing as being wrong. I have, I've had quite a few women that reach out to me because it's not so much their grieving, but their husbands have experienced a loss and they're like, I see that they're struggling, but I don't know how to help them. And so I, to me it's, it's kind of the same with, with the kids, right? Where it's like, you're there.
you are consistent in their life, you know, hey, if you want to talk about this, I'm here. I also think a lot of what, what happens is we don't know, again, we don't know what we need. And so then we don't know how to communicate to that to our spouse or to a friend. Right. And so we look at them, we're like, I see them struggling and we're like, Hey, I'm here if you need me. But they're like, well, I don't know what I need. So it's like,
Deb Meyer (24:01.304)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (24:07.844)
Right.
Nichole Haugen (24:10.486)
trying to figure out and just be like, hey, like, you know, I don't know if it's with with the husbands, I think the one he liked to do woodworking or something. So it's like, they just be like, hey, do you want to go do like, you know, allowing extra extra time for that, or like, just bringing it up as important things that they love and enjoy. And then again, just telling them again, like, I'm here if you want to talk about it, like, and, and I think too, that there is
Deb Meyer (24:16.567)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (24:25.763)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (24:36.81)
maybe a line of like, don't if that person has been very angry, because I was angry for a while and I would, you know, lash out at my family because that's where we feel the most comfortable. And knowing that that's probably what's happening. But then also being like, okay, but like, when you talk to me this way, I'm going to go in a different room or you know, something just to know, like, we don't have to be a doormat either in it and like, but we can support and love and
Deb Meyer (25:02.052)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (25:05.6)
And knowing that for me a lot, was when I went to go see my siblings, would really, sometimes I'd walk through different scenarios and I would have go-to phrases that I was going to say. And, and that really helped me a lot knowing that like, Nope, this is, this is where I'm at though. And that's okay. No is a complete sentence. We don't have to give our reasons why behind it. And that's okay.
Deb Meyer (25:19.022)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (25:33.09)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (25:34.486)
And so just knowing that it can help to kind of prep yourself before you go into a situation, you know, where it's like, it might not even have to be like a hot. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like just knowing like, okay, before I go, I'm going to make sure I have my water bottle.
Deb Meyer (25:44.47)
Mm-hmm. You know it's gonna have some mixed, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nichole Haugen (25:55.48)
I'm gonna do this to take care of myself when I get home. I'm gonna completely just let the kids watch TV. I'm gonna read my book for the afternoon to just kinda like calm down, debrief. I'm gonna journal about it if I need to. You're like taking care of yourself, knowing that other people respond however they're gonna respond, but not letting that really get into our head and stealing our peace from us.
Deb Meyer (26:11.79)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (26:21.892)
Sure, Well, and it's important too, like if you're the person that is trying to support the primary person that's grieving, like I know in my situation, I didn't feel like my husband could relate well because both of his parents are alive, right? And just continuing like you said to have that, hey, I'm here if you wanna talk about it, I know I'm not.
in your exact situation, but I do want to be a support and recognizing that sometimes it is better for them to go chat with someone else that's not in that immediate family unit, just to work through things and process those emotions. For me personally, going into a grief group was really, I went to like a Catholic Re-Share group through my church up in Missouri, and that was really freeing like,
I didn't know anyone in the group ahead of time, but I found myself opening up to these strangers about something that had happened three years ago. But I was like, okay, this is, this is what I needed to kind of make peace with the fact that my mom was gone and she was an extremely important person in my life. So.
I do feel like there's ever like too late of a time to join a grief share group or seek out kind of grief coaching services. Is there ever a timeline for something like that?
Nichole Haugen (27:57.358)
I don't think there's ever a timeline because even if you think you've dealt with, you know, like your mom dying, then typically there's something like a job loss or a friend, like you lose a friend, right? Or this isn't what you were expecting on this. Then all those feelings can kind of keep coming up. so I was just like, grief is just, it's just part of life. And so I don't think it's ever too late to...
Deb Meyer (28:05.828)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (28:22.468)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (28:26.282)
about it and learn more about yourself through the process.
Deb Meyer (28:32.1)
So let's touch on finances for a little. I know you mentioned there was some financial infidelity in the midst of everything else going on. What did you learn from that experience of just, because we're a financial podcast, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask a little bit about it, but like any insights now that you've kind of crossed the bridge into a healthier space?
Nichole Haugen (29:00.588)
Yeah, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you cannot control other people no matter what, how much you want to. You cannot control anybody else. so, again, I think it's finding that balance of like, because with budgeting and finances, like, everybody has beliefs and thoughts about money, everybody. And so no two people are going to align perfectly.
Deb Meyer (29:24.697)
Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (29:30.39)
you might have very similar, but nobody's ever going to align perfectly. And so I think it's just learning that and navigating that and figuring out how to communicate in a good, healthy way. And that is still an ongoing thing in my marriage. still, you know, and I think it will be forever because it's something that is constantly changing. So I just, think that's the biggest thing is that
Deb Meyer (29:50.649)
Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (29:57.994)
We can't control those to how other people are going to show up. We can control ourselves and our actions. We want to show up with it.
Deb Meyer (30:01.88)
mm-hmm, mm-hmm. yes.
Deb Meyer (30:08.708)
Yeah, and that's good, regardless of your grief status, right? Because at least for me in my marriage, luckily I haven't encountered financial infidelity, but there have been rocky patches. And for us, just figuring out, what am I actually, where am I to blame in the issue, not my spouse, right? And finding ways to kind of appreciate that
There was something God brought us together. How do we keep that bond continuing to grow over time? So while we're on that topic, I know you're a Catholic grief coach specifically, you when someone loses a loved one, especially suddenly, a lot of them question like, where's God in all of this? Why do I have to encounter this pain and suffering? What do you say to that?
Nichole Haugen (31:04.738)
Yeah, I think that is the hardest part. And I would say, I mean, I have been a Catholic my whole life and I thought I had a very strong faith and, but really it's, I do, but God was calling me to a deeper relationship. And so I think it's, it's seeing that and really, I mean, as humans, we all have trust issues. And so it's really, really boils down to.
building up that trust between you and God, that God is always wants what's good for you always. And even if it's a path that you were like, I did not want this. I did not ask for this. Like, please, like, get this out of here. But it's for your goodness. And that's budgeting and the finance stuff. It's like, I can see how how I was showing up in that. And so yeah, I'm not
Deb Meyer (31:51.961)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (32:02.656)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (32:05.356)
I'm not saying, like, I'm not glad my husband did that. I'm not glad he made those choices. And I'm not even taking ownership. Like, those were his choices. But I do see, God was asking me to surrender this to him and to offer it up. And we hear a lot, like in the Catholic world, we hear a lot, offer it up, offer it up. It was like really when I was little, I heard offer it up as kind of like, suck it up and go away. that was like.
Deb Meyer (32:31.918)
Yes, yes.
Nichole Haugen (32:33.452)
the message that was sent. And so then you go into adulthood thinking like, I just got to, I got to offer it up. I got to stuff it up. I got to try harder. But really it's about releasing. It's surrendering that and being like, I don't have to hold on to all this. And I think too in the intense pain that is grief, like Jesus is right there.
Deb Meyer (32:40.452)
Suck it up.
you
surrender.
Deb Meyer (32:54.052)
Mm-hmm.
Nichole Haugen (33:03.054)
and he's closer than ever. And I like to meditate on a lot of times the agony in the garden because he was abandoned by everybody. Like that betrayal, that abandoned feeling, that loneliness is really like, that's a lot of what grief feels like. And just like, you're never gonna be alone in that. And there's times where like, it will take me days. In the beginning it was weeks to be like,
Deb Meyer (33:08.516)
Hmm.
Nichole Haugen (33:31.854)
Okay, Lord, I'm coming back again. I'll pray. And the beginner's just like, no, like I don't, I'm so mad. I don't want, like, it feels like it's going to be really, really bad. like, yes. Yup. And then eventually be like, okay. And I always feel, I just always feel relief because when we can focus on somebody else or an outside, like it just always makes us feel better. Always.
Deb Meyer (33:34.66)
No. Yeah. I don't want a relationship. Lock you out of the room.
Deb Meyer (33:53.666)
Yeah.
Nichole Haugen (34:00.822)
And in no way like our suffering is united to something bigger and deeper than ourselves.
Deb Meyer (34:05.464)
Mm-hmm.
Deb Meyer (34:09.024)
bigger and and potentially to help someone else through a loss down the road. Honestly, I mean that's what I found through anything major. It's like okay this really stinks in the moment but at least when you go at it from a healthy place like when you've healed more you can use that to help other people that are going through that similar type of pain.
Nichole Haugen (34:13.656)
Yeah.
Deb Meyer (34:38.508)
All right, this has been such a good conversation. Could you tell the listeners where they can best connect with you and learn more about your services?
Nichole Haugen (34:47.65)
Yeah, so I'm on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, but best place to go is my website, CatholicGriefCoach.com, and then you can book a free consult call with me.
Deb Meyer (34:59.403)
Awesome. Okay. And, I know we touched on a lot of different things. I am curious for kind of a closing thought. you work with people in hospice, so they're approaching end of life without, you know, revealing anyone's personal identities, just maintaining anonymity. Could you share any stories about maybe regrets people have had or just celebrations as they've come to end of life where they're like this, this I want other people to know.
Nichole Haugen (35:31.182)
Yeah, I think I can share. You definitely can feel there's like a different energy in the room. When you know that somebody is ready and excited. I don't know if excited is the right word about dying, but like you can just tell when the person is at peace. There's just a different energy in the room. And
Nichole Haugen (35:58.623)
Also, I, with my mom, she, if she, if anybody was ready to go, she was. and so I think too, like that can just, that can bring others peace as well, just to see like their testimony, like just their, their life and how it shaped other people. my mom worked at a prison and so there was just a lot of people that, and there's still people that come up to us that are like,
like your mom was so good and she was so faithful and she would just talk about her faith in such a great way. I just think like, just, life is hard. There's a lot of hard work that needs to go into it. But yeah, at end of life, you can see the ones that are just at a piece. Like, hey, I tried my best and hopefully, there'll be greeted with “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And just kind of feel that.
Deb Meyer (37:02.382)
Thank you. That's beautifully put. All right. Any final closing thoughts from you?
Nichole Haugen (37:12.194)
I don't think so. Just keep offering it up. In the right way.
Deb Meyer (37:13.324)
Okay sounds good. Thank you.