Stop Trying to Achieve Work-Life Balance. Do This Instead.
There have been an increasing number of articles over the past decade about how to achieve work-life balance.
Clearly, we’re all thinking about this and wondering what the “perfect” balance is.
If you’re a working parent, you’ve probably wondered many times how to balance work and family. I have, too. And honestly? Trying to find this mysterious work-life balance was really discouraging.
But I have a different perspective now than I once did.
Instead of trying to achieve work-life balance, seek work-life happiness instead.
I had the honor of presenting the topic “how to balance work and family” for discussion at the XY Planning Network conference in Dallas a few years ago. Shoutout to Alan Moore, Michael Kitces and the entire XYPN team for a great “unconferencey” conference!
As adults, each of us struggles to find that appropriate mix of personal and professional pursuits that brings joy. We end up finding that life throws lots of unexpected curveballs at us. Balancing work and family in the real world can be a real challenge.
If you’re solely focused on a work initiative, suddenly you may be blindsided by a personal situation that requires a shift of attention.
Your child gets really sick and has to be hospitalized. A parent has a serious fall and arrangements must be made for care. Your best friend’s husband gets in a car accident, and she needs help taking care of her kids.
Or vice versa: your personal life feels stable but then a client comes to you with an urgent, time-sensitive project. You wake up a couple of hours earlier and go to bed an hour later. You feel the pressure of that deadline until the work is done.
I’ve dealt with both situations and know how tempting it can be to get down in the dumps, feeling like there’s no escape route.
This Inc.com article titled “Work, Sleep, Family, Fitness, or Friends: Pick 3” paints a pretty grim picture, too. The author argues, through Randi Zuckerberg’s 2011 tweet, that an entrepreneur can only have three of these goals. But her message may be universally applied to any adult.
I disagree with Randi Zuckerberg’s point of view. I truly think you need a healthy dose of each of the five elements (work, sleep, family, fitness, and friends) to lead a “successful” and happy life.
5 Tips for a Better Week
Getting all of these elements in your week does require some time management and boundary-setting. To get the appropriate amounts of sleep, fitness, work, and time with family and friends, I have a few tips that might help:
Prioritize your nighttime rest. Protecting your sleep is probably the most important, considering the consequences of not getting enough rest. As the studies discussed in Harvard Business Review’s article reveal, sleep is especially important for entrepreneurs. Lack of sleep leads to impaired analytical ability, which means that a sleep-deprived entrepreneur (or any business owner!) is more likely to make a poor decision.
Be flexible about fitness. You may have to change your fitness expectations. There are tons of 20-minute no-equipment workouts on YouTube that you could try, rather than trying to fit in an hour-long workout at the gym. You could do a set of squats or pushups on a 5-minute break or go for a walk if you have extra time in your day. Don’t box yourself into a “perfect” workout routine that you never get to because you can’t fit it into your schedule.
Develop a time management system that works for you. Time blocking your schedule can be really helpful. Todoist has a really good article on time management techniques. You don’t have to get the app to start implementing some of these productivity tips. Particularly if you’re an entrepreneur, you need to be intentional and strategic about how you schedule tasks. It does take time and discipline to learn what works best for you, but trust me when I say that it’s totally worth it. Just start by taking 20 minutes at the end of your day to plan out what tomorrow will look like for you. It really does make a difference.
Be present to your family. Intentionally schedule time with your family, and put a boundary down with clients and team members about the hours of your availability. Once your workday is over, leave work for the next day. Silence your notifications for email and social media. Try to be totally present to your family when you’re with them. The above tip on time management really helps with this because you end up being more efficient with your work schedule.
Schedule something fun with friends. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” as Jack Nicholson’s character obsessively typed in The Shining. Plan a potluck BBQ get-together during the summer! Get coffee with a friend before work in the morning. Or invite someone to go for a bike ride or a walk. You don’t necessarily need to see a friend every week, but make time every so often to see people who fill your cup. Visits with friends may be less frequent but shouldn’t disappear.
Sleep, family time, and movement help me stay sane in a very hectic professional environment. But this is my personal experience. What is your opinion? Do you agree that working adults can only feel successful in three of these areas? Leave a comment or shoot me an email! I’d love to know what you think.
With those five tips in mind, let’s talk about something else that is controversial: work-life balance is a myth.
WHY BALANCE IS UNATTAINABLE
When you pursue real happiness instead of an unattainable ideal of balance, you might find yourself more joyful and fulfilled.
Here’s the area of contention summarized below.
BALANCE = EQUILIBRIUM
When you’re in a place of trying to find “perfect” equilibrium, what you’re really looking for is stability among a set of contrasting forces. But the problem for a lot of people is that they go looking for external stability.
This often means that…
You are anxious about the way things are
You have trouble adjusting to situations that arise
You compare an idealized version of equilibrium to your real life and as a result…
You feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
In my eyes, this perfect equilibrium that depends on external stability just isn’t attainable.
Like I said earlier, life throws lots of unpredictable curveballs. Those challenging moments contain the most potential for personal growth.
And here’s the thing: if you have big dreams and a desire to be the best version of yourself, the only constant in following that impulse to greatness is change.
British philosopher Alain de Botton stated, “There is no such thing as work-life balance. Everything worth fighting for unbalances your life.”
And I couldn’t agree more.
So, how do you find real stability amidst life’s changing seasons?
FINDING HAPPINESS
In my opinion, happiness should be the goal, not balance.
You may be thinking that when I say “happiness” I mean a positive emotion. But that’s not what I mean.
The happiness I’m talking about is deeper than a fleeting emotion. Feelings, both positive and negative, are a fact of life. They come and go like the weather if you don’t hold on to them tightly.
To pursue goodness, truth, and beauty is to pursue real happiness.
This provides inner stability. Your desire to do good in the world, to love God and others, to be the best that you can be… those are the desires that lead to true happiness and a sense of groundedness.
I admit that following where they lead you (as Alain Botton said) “will unbalance your life.”
But it’s so worth it.
Within the pursuit of happiness, I see two main components that need attention: emotional and physical.
Many of us go through life filled with angst and anxiety. It’s okay to feel those emotions, but being ruled by them doesn’t help us to pursue our goals.
I’d like to offer some possible fixes for each component of pursuing happiness.
Here are a few on the emotional side:
Time management - As discussed earlier, developing a time management system that works is crucial to getting enough of the elements that bring us happiness.
One of the things that really helped me was scheduling professional and personal activities on the same calendar. Managing multiple calendars can be really stressful and actually impairs productivity. If you put everything on the same calendar, you’ll be less likely to double-book yourself, miss important events, and waste time switching between calendars.
Making this simple change has drastically reduced stress in my own life, and I think it will do the same for you.Tidy up - Clear the physical clutter in your office and home. A peaceful environment can definitely bring greater internal peace. Marie Kondo’s method of keeping only what “sparks joy” in your life is very useful. Get rid of anything that doesn’t serve your pursuit of happiness.
Be emotionally present to others - This means setting aside all the thoughts swirling in your head and truly being with the people in your life. Forbes has a great article about being present at work. Active listening, asking open-ended questions, and empathizing can make a huge difference in how fulfilling your relationships feel.
Journaling - This can mean keeping a gratitude list or writing through a difficult experience. Whatever way you decide to journal, making it a daily habit can help you in so many ways. Studies have shown that people who journal regularly not only show improvements in mental health but even physical health.
Daily meditation - In the pursuit of happiness, you may find that negative thoughts and feelings get in the way of reaching goals. You may find yourself paralyzed with anxiety or getting worked up over trivial matters. Meditation can help you get some distance from your inner experiences.
To be clear, meditation isn’t about emptying your mind of thoughts but observing your mind doing its thing. By practicing every day, you can find the space of awareness that exists between you and your mind. From that space, you can make wiser and more effective choices about how to handle present situations.Therapy - Sometimes, we need professional help to work through difficult memories and untangle ourselves from unhelpful beliefs. A good therapist provides a safe emotional container for you to process wounds from the past and find a pathway forward. There is no shame in seeking therapy and getting the emotional support that you need to be the best version of yourself.
Nowadays people are realizing just how important it is to take care of our bodies. I daresay caring for the bodies God gave us is essential to real happiness. Proposed physical solutions include:
Frequent movement - Standing desk, anyone? In all seriousness, the human body was not created to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. If you can’t get a standing desk, take a 5-minute break every 30 minutes to stand up, stretch, or dance to your favorite song! Take a longer break at the 2-hour mark (15 minutes to a half hour) to move–whatever that may mean for you.
Quarterly or annual fitness goal - You can take on a challenge, like training for a half-marathon or a long bicycle trip. Maybe you just want to make a goal out of getting 150 minutes of exercise every week, even if it’s just taking a brisk walk. No matter what it is, a concrete fitness goal can motivate you to stay healthy.
Morning routine - Having a calming morning routine can help set the tone for a more peaceful day, even with a busy schedule. A gentle stretching sequence, enjoying your cup of coffee early before the kids wake up, reading some Scripture, and reflecting for a couple of minutes… do whatever will set you up for inner peace during your day.
Monthly chiropractic adjustments or massage - Many of us hold tension in our bodies that requires a little help to release. Schedule an appointment with a skilled chiropractor or masseuse to ease some of the stress you might be holding in your body.
Eating nutritious foods - Highly processed foods full of preservatives, trans fats, and sugars have been shown to have massive negative effects on our health. Make sure that whatever you put in your body truly nourishes and fuels you. Of course, indulging in a treat here and there isn’t a bad thing! But eating healthfully as much as possible ensures optimal brain and nervous system functioning, which leads to better emotional regulation and wiser decisions overall.
For entrepreneurs, in particular, there are specific solutions that can be worthwhile to explore. Here are a few that have really helped me:
Creating replicable business processes - Stop wasting time trying to remember how you successfully completed that one task you did a month ago. When you find an efficient way of getting a regular business task done, write down or record a video of exactly the steps you took to complete a task. This is especially helpful if you have a team or plan to hire in the future.
Outsourcing your weaknesses - Don’t spend precious time trying to learn a skill that you could delegate to someone who already has it. Don’t like marketing? Are administrative tasks taking up too much of your day? Struggling with all the bookkeeping? Outsource it. You don’t even have to hire a full-time employee for these tasks. There are plenty of freelancers whose entire business is taking on the responsibilities that you’re tired of juggling.
Participating in a mastermind and/or study groups - Personal development is critical for entrepreneurs. You have to constantly evolve as you meet challenges in your business. Learning and growing are always easier when you’re doing it with like-minded people. Find a group that helps you grow into the best version of yourself!
You get the idea, and you’ve probably heard at least a few of these already. There are plenty of ways to keep yourself emotionally and physically sustained so you can avoid chronic stress, fatigue, and burnout.
Maybe choose one or two ideas to start implementing. You may find that they make the pursuit of happiness much more enjoyable.
LET’S GET PERSONAL
What methods have you employed to find work-life happiness? It’s easy to recognize when we feel off-kilter like something isn’t quite right. It’s often harder to remember times when professional and personal worlds are harmonized. Take a minute and give yourself permission to recall the times you felt truly “happy.” Now focus on the most meaningful recollection. What was different about that situation than the one you’re facing now?
What is one tangible step you can take today to pursue happiness for yourself, personally and professionally?
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